


Wasting Away From You

by tommysinful



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, M/M, Pining Liam, Sad Liam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2015-09-10
Packaged: 2018-04-20 03:17:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4771463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tommysinful/pseuds/tommysinful
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam becomes anorexic trying to be beautiful for Zayn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wasting Away From You

Other than on stage this is where Liam felt the best; the gym. It’s where he could vent out his frustrations and stay healthy and be as athletic as he wanted to be which he loved doing. The weights and punching bags were familiar friends that allowed him to attain utmost shape and one hell of a physique. He took pride in his body, it was toned and lean and no one would deny he looked good without a shirt on that’s for sure. So here he was again with his oldest friends, heavy black circular weights adorning the silver bars above his head on the bench press.

“One…two…three…” he counted between breaths. The sweat glistened upon his tan skin and he reveled in feeling so in control of what he could do to his own being. That was one thing he liked, he liked the control and how he could manipulate the lithe muscles of his body to do his bidding.

“Four…five…six…” almost finished his usual work out routine. Today it was upper body weight training. He would work on cardio every other day and weights on the others, switching up between muscle groups to keep that incredible burn deep within any set of muscles at any given time.

“Seven…eight…nine…” here we go. Last time to push this bar, weighing over two hundred pounds mind you, above his face and be done with his routine today. His arms shook dexterously and thankfully his work out gloves kept the sweat on his palms from letting the heavy metal come crashing down upon him. That would be dangerous in any situation but definitely this would be even worse seeing as he was alone. He sadly was alone most of the time when he came to the gym. Harry liked to run mainly or use the punching bag so he could normally be seen out on a track or beating pavement with his large feet.

Louis wouldn’t be caught dead in the gym. He liked doing his own, albeit infrequent, workouts in the privacy and comfort of his own room or whatever hotel they were to be staying at. Niall hated exercising and Liam still wondered with how much the boy ate and with how little he did, unless necessary, that he was still so thin as he was. Quick metabolism he thought. And then there was Zayn, oh goodness Zayn.

He never needed anything to look as good as he did. Always with toned abs and amazing biceps, nothing too bulky and just streamline tan skin spattered in tattoos. Zayn would eat whatever he wanted, minus what his religion said he couldn’t, would sleep as long as he could possibly and drank whenever the time arose and smoked like a chimney. Yet he was still the most beautiful boy Liam had ever seen.

“Ten…whew.” Liam set the bar back in its cradle and sat up. He felt good, the familiar ache in his biceps reminding him of his triumphs and the sweat that rolled down his back made him feel accomplished. He leaned over to grab his much needed water bottle taking a few quick sips, don’t over do it or you’ll bloat, then toweled himself off before leading his way from the empty gym. He was thankful that hotels had gyms and pools and places for recreation, he couldn’t sit there all day watching movies and drinking like everyone else, unless it was Zayn he was doing it with.

So he waited for the elevator and it dinged to the ground floor opening up to reveal none other than Louis Tomlinson. He was surprised to see him down here since the only thing to do was the gym or the pool and by the looks of it he had no towel or swim trunks on, that never really stopped him before from jumping in, but still.

“Oh hey, sweet, I was just coming down to get you. A couple of Zee’s friends are around here and they wanted to go out and get some dinner. You in?” He asked moving over towards the metal panel that held their destinations with a single finger press.

“Oh cool, yeah sure.” And he stepped into the lift with the mirrored walls and red carpets.

“Christ Li, you reek mate.” Louis scrunched up his nose and comically waved a hand as if to fan off his shirtless sweaty friend.

“Oh sod off you twat. I may stink a little but you know I look good.” He flexed his abs and arms in the body builder type manner with a wink making a ‘grr’ sound.

“Ha, can’t lie there. You do look good.” Louis admitted taking in his band mates muscular form, no he wasn’t attracted to Liam at all but he could appreciate a good looking lad when they came along, all his band mates were gorgeous, particularly his Harry but he was biased as that was his boyfriend, but Liam had the body to go along with his puppy like features.

They bantered back and forth until their ascent to the ninth floor where all five members were staying in, surprisingly, separate rooms this time. He had to admit it was nice having somewhere private at last, being away from everyone to be left alone to his thoughts, some naughtier than others.

So stepping into his room with a wave to Louis and calling out “Give me a half hour!” they parted ways. He shucked off his shorts and underwear into a heap of dirty clothes turning on the shower. The hot water massaged his tense muscles after their rigorous beating and he let the steam clear his head and take him to a state of relaxation. And arousal.

If there were anytime alone to think or be by oneself his thoughts would inevitably come back to Zayn. He was so beautiful and dark and artistic and intelligent and just perfect. Thinking of how he wanted the boy from Bradford in his shower, cleaning off his perspiration and touching him where he desperately wanted to, his cock began stiffening. Knowing he had a little while to get ready, half an hour was nowhere near enough time for Louis, he gripped his shaft and slowly pumped it into full size.

“Oh Zayn…” He whispered into the steam, the only other thing in the world that knew his secret, the other being the boys. They knew how much Liam loved Zayn; they could see it etched upon his face when the raven-haired boy would hit such a note on stage that left him breathless. Or Zayn would pay special attention to the most level headed of the group leaving the brown-eyed boy blushing and stuttering like a schoolgirl. (“Mate, why don’t you tell him you love him?” Louis asked one night after Liam’s admittance in a sobbing mess of how bad he wanted his Zee. “Because he won’t love me back!”) And the three boys would randomly check upon the boy from Wolverhampton and see how far gone he was in love with their band mate. The conversations had come up a few times, in hushed hotel rooms with the lights off or in empty recording studios, Liam had fallen hard and the object of his adoration was none the wiser.

Zayn never knew, his best mate could never know that he was in love with him. He wasn’t Zayn’s type and he was his band mate, it would never work. But he still dreamed about it late at night whenever they shared a room and he’d see tan skin and dark tattoos slink there way to the opposite bed and melt into comforters and pillows. Liam had never been more jealous of inanimate objects before in his life.

Then he started thinking about how good he’d feel, those plump pink lips wrapped around his cock or melding with his own in passionate love making, Zayn buried deep within him and whispering sweet nothings into his burning ears. Feel that stretch of the boy he craved without restrictions or hesitations. Wanting to be enraptured with everything that Zayn possessed, mind, body and spirit.

With a few more quick tugs of his cock and hearing in his head “I love you” fall from a certain mouth as he climaxed inside him, he came hard upon the wall and shuddered with his eyes rolling back to his head and toes pointing to a dangerous level, he didn’t want to slip in the shower after jerking off. He cleaned off the remnants of himself and finished quickly. Picking out a plain baseball t-shirt and nice jeans with a hand through his buzz cut he was out the door to meet up with his band mates down in the lobby at the insistence of a text from Harry.

To:Li-li

From: Hazza

Get your arse in gear!

 

XXXX

The five band members traveled to a nice small restaurant a few blocks away from their hotel, by an act of God or some holy deity there weren’t any paparazzi following them hounding for questions, and the boys could truly enjoy just being normal lads out to dinner.

Sitting at a table, Liam saw three guys about the same age as him; they all had black hair with dark colored eyes and varying shades of skin much like Zayn’s.

“Lads, this is Danny, Amir and Sean. Three of my mates from school.” He pointed to the tallest of the three first, then the middle one with long hair that fell to his shoulders, then lastly at the one who had slightly crooked teeth but still an amazing smile. The rest of the band all waved and said their hello’s shaking each outstretched hand before sitting down in the large booth.

“So good to see you Zee, it’s been ages. What with you being a teen idol and breaking girls’ hearts around the world. You four lot as well.” Danny smiled to his long-term friend.

Harry and Louis chuckled and thanked them for the compliment and Niall guffawed at how very chill these boys were. He had a feeling they would become his friends as well, well everyone was Niall’s friend really.

“Yeah but we all know he’d break their hearts even more if they knew the truth, isn’t that right Zayn?” Sean piped up this time with a nudge to the ribs of his comrade.

That was the thing most people didn’t know. Zayn was gay and quite frankly adamant about it; he didn’t find girls unattractive or ‘gross’ he just didn’t want to fuck them. Or have any semblance of a romantic relationship with them. Everyone in the band knew this of course, that fact made Liam’s heart flutter every time, and his closest friends knew as well. The secret was well kept with publicity of him going out to clubs and ‘hooking up’ with girls, the truth was that they were paid to say that Zayn was a great kisser and sometimes he’d have a fake girlfriend for two to three months just to make it seem plausible.

Truth be told only one member of One Direction was completely straight and that was Niall, Liam was bisexual and pining after a certain raven haired boy, Harry was Louis-sexual and Louis just liked whatever he wanted. Larry Stylinson was real that’s for sure but it was so common now that they never even thought about the two of them together.

“Speaking of boys, had any peen lately?” This time it was the longhaired Amir who questioned him looking over his menu.

“Ha, no love. No boys.” Zayn giggled looking over to his friend.

“Yeah hasn’t found his type yet. Skinny, with shortish hair and a huge cock. Right Zee?” Danny again. Making Harry spit out his drink in a laugh and Niall blushed hearing the table conversation take a filthy turn to sex and debauchery.

“Exactly!” Zayn slightly bellowed picking up his glass of water.

“Why not your friend Niall? He’s the build you like and he’s got the Irish charm, you guys would be cute together!” Amir this time, raking his eyes over the palest of the group. Niall’s eyes opened wide and he stared in fear at Zayn, did he fancy him?

“Nah mate, too blond, no offense but yeah I like his build.” He winked over at his gob smacked friend. “And I don’t know how big his dick is so it could be a crap shoot for all I know.” Shrugging and looking down to his menu.

“Hey! I’m not small!” Niall said taken aback at how blatantly his anatomy was being discussed.

“Just fucking with you mate, calm down.” The hazel-eyed boy leaned over to ruffle the blond locks atop his head. Just then the waiter came to the table and asked politely what each wanted to eat that night.

Liam had stayed silent the whole time, mainly watching white teeth poke out from behind soft lips, slight stubble that grazed a sharp jaw line and eyes that flashed with gold. So he liked skinny? Like Niall? So Zayn found Niall attractive? The straight member, of course! But Liam wasn’t fat, not in the slightest. He was just a bit bulky with muscle that’s all, no Mr. Universe or anything but he guessed the person who held his heart in a vice like grip didn’t find his painstakingly acquired muscles attractive. He looked over to Niall who was giving off his order and he actually felt a twinge of anger at him, no one was ever angry with the Irish boy, it was impossible. But here he was practically seething because he was what Zayn would go after. Not space taking Liam.

‘Maybe if I lost some weight he’d notice me?’ He thought. Liam wasn’t an ugly guy, not at all, but maybe if he catered to what really caught the eye of a specific Pakistani boy, he’d be noticed and maybe, just maybe he would come out victorious in winning his prize.

At this the waiter made his rounds and rested on Liam. The boy hadn’t even opened his menu at this point, too enthralled with the way Zayn communicated to his friends about boys and what he liked. Being flustered with so many sets of eyes upon him he stuttered out a shaky response.

“I-I’ll just have a salad thanks. With light dressing please.” And he handed the leather bound menu back to the kind waiter, the man dressed in his button down turned and hurried off to the kitchen to let the chef prepare their orders.

“A salad mate? What, are you trying to watch your figure?” Harry asked with a raised eyebrow. He knew there was nothing malicious behind the inquiry.

“Nah, just not that hungry I guess. Something light works for me.” He spoke back.

“Yeah tubby, best be hitting the gym after this.” Niall quipped to him with an air of nonchalance before turning back to talk to the three practical strangers at their table, talking about football and how Manchester was bollocks this season.

Liam lowered his head to toy with his napkin, not before seeing Zayn give him a small smile and join the conversation at hand with his three mates, and he toyed with the napkin until their food came. No one saw the hurt that plagued his eyes at hearing someone call him fat and no one else heard him whisper so low “Fuck you Niall.”

He didn’t speak for the entirety of their meal.

XXXX

The next three weeks were Hell for Liam. He fought the urge to eat when he became hungry, opting out for chugging bottles of water, begging for the pain to stop as his stomach lining was eating away at him. Only when it became so unbearable and his stomach would make noises sounding like a possession of demons would he break down and eat something. But he’d never eat more than a bite of a sandwich or two saltine crackers then wash it down with even more water. Liam had to use the loo quite often at this point.

The worst part was missing the gym. That’s where he loved to lift and stretch and push his body to their limits to feel healthy and appeased with his doings. But he couldn’t do that anymore, if he wanted Zayn to love him, or at least notice him, he had to look like Niall. Skinny. Yeah the blond had some muscle definition but it was frail and unrefined and he was just the epitome of slender. So all he could do now was cardio. Burn off any calories he had and let the atrophy wreak havoc on his unused muscles. He wouldn’t even lift heavy objects for the girls on his styling team anymore, they could always count on him or Harry, surprisingly he was quite strong for being so lanky, for lifting the makeup boxes or trunks of clothes. He would avoid going anywhere that needed his brute strength like the plague.

No, he had to be skinny for Zayn.

The other thing that sucked was that he was constantly tired, always having to nap between photo shoots or press interviews. The boy was exhausted and who could blame him, he didn’t take in more than three hundred calories a day and he ran for miles whenever he had the chance. There’s only so much water and a few crackers can do to keep a nineteen-year-old boy alert and ready especially with their grueling schedule.

His body pleaded with him to please intake something wholesome or at least sustaining but his mind fought it off like David & Goliath. He wasn’t going to stop now. Eventually he actually enjoyed the twisting of his insides at their fruitless pursuit of food. He liked having the control, much like had when he weight lifted, to feel his body bend at his will was exhilarating. He was the master of his destiny and if everything worked out as planned he could finally have Zayn to himself.

‘That’s why you’re doing this. You’re doing it for him’ He thought, downing his third bottle of water.

XXXX

Two excruciatingly long months and finally he could see the transformation taking place. Standing in front of the mirror, naked, he smiled brightly. His ribs were prominent, taking his extremely slender fingers he slotted them between the bones, his hips jutted out at slicing angles, his arms had lost their mass and his abs were still there but were much more subdued. He was beginning to look more like his Irish friend’s build. Finally Zayn would notice how beautiful he was, finally he would be recognized as something delightful in those hazel eyes, finally he felt like all the fatigue and headaches and dizziness were paying off. Feeling like treating himself to even more abuse and wanting just that, moremoremore, he went down to their new hotel’s gym. His goal was four miles this time nonstop so he quickly dressed in his usual work out gear, it now hung like drapery on his slimming frame, and headed down to make himself even more attractive to the one person he deemed perfection.

‘Come on Li, one foot in front of the other. Forget the dizziness. You’re fine. Keep pushing. Go go go go…’ The mantra playing in his head unrelenting. He had over half of his four-mile long run finished and behind him, just twenty minutes to go. Sadly he was stopped only half a mile before his imaginary finish line by Louis coming down into the gym.

“Hey Li, can we talk?” He asked shyly. That was a first, Louis was never shy and his voice never reached a level so low, not in the few years he had known him.

“Yeah” gasping for breath “just let me finish this run.” He panted looking at his friend who was a little blurry around the edges. Just a little more, burn those few little calories, get him down to where he was skin and bone.

Louis looked up; his eyes were a stormy sea of blue and absolution “No. Now.”

Liam taking the hint that the oldest member wasn’t playing around he turned off the treadmill letting it buzz to a stop before stepping off. His knees wobbled at the exertion and he had to steady himself against the rail of the machine. Picking up his towel he wiped the reveled sweat from his brow and made to take a large swig of much needed H2o. But he wasn’t so lucky to reach it as he tripped over to the bench and collapsed upon it seeing spots.

“Whoa Li!” Louis swooped down upon him and caught his bony shoulders to sit him down.

“Thanks mate.” He smirked at his friend and gulped down half the bottle in one shot. Wiping his mouth he looked over at the blue-eyed boy who was nibbling his bottom lip and raking his eyes over his body.

“Liam, I-we’ve been worried about you lately. Is everything alright?” He asked.

“Yeah I’m fine, why?” Wondering why Louis of all people was looking for him in the gym to ask about his well being. This was new.

“Well me and the lads have noticed-well we noticed you’re not really eating. And you’re constantly in the gym wherever we go. Mate, love-you’ve lost so much weight. And we’re not the only ones who have noticed. Have you seen Twitter? The fans are worried too. Are you okay?” Louis’ voice was dripping with concern. Liam didn’t care though. All he cared about was finally being noticed by one particular person.

“Yeah I’m fine, just felt like dropping some pounds. Nothing wrong with that.” He shrugged his shoulders. The room was beginning to spin a little and his heart race was still frantic.

“No there’s nothing wrong with that, but Liam, you’ve just been distant to everyone and tired all the time.” he sighed mid-sentence then continued “I know we’re all tired from touring and all but you just look exhausted no matter how much sleep you get. And we never see you eat man and you’re always down in a gym. What’s going on with you? We want to help.” He pleaded with a sigh.

They didn’t want to help. They wanted him to be fat again. They wanted it so that Zayn would never love him. That was it. He thought that Niall probably had a hand in all this. That by some miracle he wasn’t straight anymore and wanted the boy from Bradford and he had to be the skinny one to get him. Anger flared deep within him, he noticed that too, he was a lot more irritable ever since he started doing this, and he lashed out at an undeserving Louis.

“No! I’m fine and don’t give me that crap you care and want to help! You’re just mad because I’m skinnier than you finally. Almost as small as that prick Niall too!” his fists were balled in rage “Like you give a damn about helping me, you just want to make sure I can still be on that stage so you can make the money you’ve become so accustomed to, just like management” standing up and pointing an accusing finger to the boy still sitting on the bench “so don’t start with the whole ‘we care’ routine. Go fuck yourself!” He snapped at him. His voice at a booming level echoed throughout the wood floored gym. Louis recoiled at the harsh words and physically pulled his limbs back. Liam saw the flash of hurt cross his eyes and how his bottom lip stuck out in a pout and disbelief.

He didn’t care though. They didn’t give a fuck about him. And Zayn sure didn’t that was for sure. He’d been starving himself for months now and got no more a look than he gave the other boys. How many headaches and restless nights and aching joints had Liam endured trying to be beautiful for him, and for what? For Louis to find him and give him some speech of how they were worried? Fuck that. So he stumbled out of the gym, having to take purchase of any surface he could to stabilize his quivering limbs. He needed to lie down and take a nap.

He made his way to the hotel room and collapsed upon the bed without even showering. He was too exhausted and too livid to care about it.

XXXX

Louis sat stunned at his friend’s admonitions. Never had Liam, of all people, spoken so cruelly towards him and that’s what scared him the most. The sweetest member of the group, the reliable shoulder to cry on, the kind one with about as much venom in him as a paraplegic puppy, had just berated him with words coated in ice and disdain. Something was definitely wrong. Getting his bearings he made his way back to the lifts to take him up to where Harry, Niall and Zayn all sat in his hotel room.

His body went on autopilot replaying those words.

“Just cause I’m skinnier than you now…”

“Like you give a damn about helping me…”

“Go fuck yourself…”

He shuddered seeing how black the younger boy’s eyes were when the words cascading from his thin mouth stabbed him deep within his heart. He loved Liam like a brother, they were all brothers but now, Liam wasn’t Liam anymore. He was terrified as to what had happened to his friend, where did he go? A tear fell down his cheek thinking of how agonized the younger boy looked, like he was ready to crack at any moment. And it wouldn’t have been surprising either, Louis saw how sunken in his cheeks were, how sinewy his forearms had become, how his clothes that he would normally fill out were just hanging loosely off his frame. He was losing him. Liam was wasting away before their very eyes.

He opened the door and saw his three mates chatting aimlessly over the program on the television. The three turned to see how shocked Louis was and saw the tears falling down his face, Harry was the first to spring up and collect him in a hug before he fell to his knees sobbing.

“Boobear, what happened? Come on tell me.” He coaxed, rocking the crying boy back and forth.

Louis spluttered between cries and his body trembled “He-he’s gone! He’s not Li-li-Liam anymore. I don’t know-know what to do-o-o.”

“Come on Lou, what do you mean he’s gone?” Harry asked him gently opening up his arms so his boyfriend could breathe much needed air into his lungs.

“Harry, he-he said the most horrible things. Like how-how we don’t care and the only reason I-we asked is because we want him on stage to-to make money for us. He doesn’t think we care about him Haz, none of us! Then-then he told me to go fuck myself.” Louis’ wailing reached an all time high. Harry rubbed his back soothingly with whispers into his ear as he looked at two shocked faces sitting on the couch.

“Shit.” Niall whispered and looked down to his fingers that were wringing themselves white. Liam never cursed and for him to say such horrid things to Louis was a sign that Liam wasn’t himself anymore. All had noticed his behavior lately, how he never ate and he was so perpetually distant from everyone else, the worst was seeing how gaunt his face was becoming and how their stylists had to keep taking in the inches of his clothes for their concerts.

Harry spoke up letting Louis whimper into his chest. “Zayn? Maybe you should go talk to him. You two have always been the closest yeah?”

Zayn nodded his head and made his way towards the door but before that he leant down to hug Louis from behind, he was still on the floor wrapped in his lovers arms and whispered into his ear “Shh, it’s okay Lou. I’ll take care of it.”

XXXX

Liam was begrudgingly awoken to a constant rapping at his door. He groaned at the intruding sound but since it wasn’t ceasing he made his way to the door after tossing his sticky shirt to the floor. His thin frame was met with cool air and he sighed at the feeling of it. He opened the door to see Zayn standing there with a piercing gaze. But he didn’t falter in noticing how those mesmerizing eyes looked him up and down slowly. His now paler skin was stretched taut over his collarbones the ‘V’ cut he had was sharp. Yes, finally he was noticing him.

“Can I come in?” He asked timidly.

Liam nodded biting his lip, happy that maybe, just maybe Zayn would see him and notice how much he had changed and finally want him. He stepped to the side and let the boy he was so gone for step into his room. As he passed he could smell the faint hint of smoke and that cologne he wore that was so delectable that Liam had wanted to lick it off every inch of his skin.

He closed the door and made his way to the sofa that Zayn was occupying. He sat down gingerly, waiting what the angelic boy in front of him wanted to talk about.

“So I heard what you said to Lou.” He left it at that.

“Oh.” Was all he could retort.

“How could you say that Li? That’s not my Liam.” shaking his head “He’s crying right now because he thinks we’ve lost you or something. We do care about you and it’s not because of the money you twat. We love you and we’re worried.” Zayn ended looking up at Liam who was slowly succumbing to fatigue again. He just needed to sleep more.

“I know I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at him like that. And you don’t need to be worried about me, I’m fine.” He breathily let out. Zayn was here and saying he cared, that’s all that he had wanted to hear for months now. That Zayn cared and would love him and be his.

‘Please love me, please.’ He thought to himself.

“No you’re not. Why have you been losing so much weight Li?” He asked.

‘You.’ He wanted to say. But he was subtle in this game they played. He wanted Zayn to make the first move and come to whisk him off his feet saying how gorgeous he was.

“I don’t know, just wanted to drop some weight that’s all.” Liam shrugged and toyed with a loose thread on the couch.

“No offense love but you look terrible.” Zayn spoke to him truthfully and his lip curled a bit.

That’s when Liam’s heart broke. He still wasn’t good enough for him. After all he had done he wasn’t good looking enough for the perfection that was Zayn. His face fell hearing those words and the room got a little too hot for him. He brought his arms to curl around his torso thinking in his head ‘still too fat, still too fat’ and leaned forward in silent agony.

“Um Zayn, I’m kinda tired so if you wouldn’t mind…” He trailed off looking towards the door and not reaching the golden hazel eyes that haunted his every waking thought.

“Oh yeah, sure thing.” He made to stand but thinking twice he pulled in his best friend for an embrace. Zayn internally gasped at how fragile and delicate he felt in his arms. Every bone of his spine prominently sticking out like a trail of mountains, his collarbones stabbed into him almost painfully and he just felt so small in his arms. Liam was never smaller than Zayn, ever.

“Just um, if you need to talk about anything, you know I’m here for you.” He stood and crossed back to the entrance opening the door. “I love you Li.” It came out in a despairing tone and he was gone with a soft click of the door.

“Love you too Zayn.” Liam whispered into the empty air of his room, lonely and dejected again he began crying. Gut wrenching cries filled the vacant room, his only comfort being the rumbling of his organs and the soft couch he sat upon. He figured in his distraught stricken mind that the reason Zayn had said he looked terrible was because he wasn’t skinny enough. So with that final thought he drifted off into a much needed slumber thinking of how much smaller he had to be to gain the affection he craved.

XXXX

A week had gone by after the incident at the gym and Liam was even more of a recluse at this point. He wouldn’t look at anyone in the face and would purposefully avoid any interaction with his band mates. He felt guilty for what he said to the oldest but couldn’t bring himself the courage to apologize, because apologizing meant he’d have to admit he’d been emaciating himself to attract Zayn.

Thankfully they had a string of shows in the mid-west of the United States so it kept them all preoccupied with sound checks and dress rehearsals. After each day all the boys were so tired they’d adjourn to their rooms and sleep until they had to be roused the next day.

Their second night in Minneapolis was going off without a hitch. The crowd was in the upwards of ten thousand screaming girls with homemade signs and crudely made shirts professing their love for each of the boys. Liam still hadn’t eaten anything in three days, only surviving off water and hope that he’d lose enough weight now, the summer heat made him sweat even more so something good had to come of it. Right?

Halfway through their set Liam started to feel dizzy again. This time it was more than he could handle than the usual bout of the spins. He leaned against the couch on the stage and took his cue.

“Girl I see it in your eyes you’re disappointed. Cause I’m the foolish one that you anointed with your heart. I tore it apart…” But he couldn’t finish.

The air was too difficult to retrieve and his blood rushed in his ears deafening him, more so than the screams of fans. His hands shook and the sweat soaked boy paled like snow. All he could see was the flashes of cameras and stage lights blinding him. The music from their band faltered and the stage went as quiet as any ongoing concert stage could honestly go. His oxygen lacked breathing became rapid and his knees became jelly in his stance.

Harry and Zayn came rushing to him with shouts of “Liam! You alright!?”

And trying to lift the mic up to his desert dry mouth he felt his body go numb and the world turned black.

XXXX

Liam awoke to the smell of disinfectant and a dull pain in the crook of his elbow. He opened his eyes to a blurry white room with tacky pictures on the wall of landscapes probably captured in the late seventies. He grumbled a bit and tried to move but his body felt heavy and full. Then he felt a hand holding his, a familiar soft hand that brought with it a hint of smoke and expensive cologne. He rolled his head to the side to see Zayn look at him with a watery smile as his two hands cupped his frail one, the paleness of his skin drastically combating the caramel of the younger boy's.

“Hey love.” He whispered to him.

“Hey.” Liam let out. His throat hurt and was so obscenely dry. He croaked out “What happened?”

“You passed out on stage Li. Scared the shit out of me.” Zayn said gripping the frail hand between his a bit harder and rubbed his rough thumb across the papery skin. Ever since Liam’s brilliant idea to starve himself his whole body had become fragile and dainty.

“Oh, yeah I guess I did.” He shrugged and felt the pull of a needle in his arm. He looked down to see a bag of fluid attached to him above his head. “What’s that for?”

“It’s to hydrate you and get some vitamins in you. They say you’re malnourished love. Much too much for someone your age. So are you going to tell me what’s been up with you now?” He asked with scorching eyes.

Liam shrugged again making him hiss at the pull in his arms. He didn’t want nutrition. He had to be thin for the boy holding his hand right now.

With a heavy sigh of exasperation Zayn leaned in closer “Liam, I know what you’ve been doing alright? The doctors we spoke to said with how you look with your stats and how much you’ve changed these past months and with how you’ve been acting that you’ve been starving yourself. That you have become anorexic.”

Liam’s eyes were saucers.

“I thought so too and I hate myself that I didn’t say anything. Liam I see how thin you’ve become. I know how tired you’ve been and don’t think no one’s noticed your headaches, you make a face when you get one, and Li please, tell me why? Tell me why I’m losing my best friend. Tell me why you’re killing yourself.” The last few words were accompanied by a hiccup and tears falling down his lovely cheekbones.

Liam’s own eyes were pricking with unwanted tears. He had cried so much over this boy who was holding his hand and now he had made him cry. Liam felt like a monster. The one person he had never ever wanted to see hurt was in pain and all because of him. His own salty droplets fell to the blanket near his chest. Zayn silently cried with his head down as sparkling beads fell from his eyes. He finally looked up with a mangled expression of dismay, his once flawless features twisted into something morose and broken.

“Tell me Liam, why?” His voice cracked.

With a deep breath and wiping his eyes with his free hand he looked down and shut them tight for he was to divulge what he had been restraining for years now.

“You.” He let out in a soft murmur.

“What?!” Zayn’s voice rose a little. Shocked at the declaration.

“I-uh I did it for you Zee. I wanted to be beautiful for you so…so that maybe you could love me.” He never stopped looking down at the sheets.

A tsunami sized wave of guilt crashed into the raven-haired boy. This was all because of him. His best friend, his band mate was slowly inching towards an untimely death for him. His heart was breaking see how small and brittle Liam looked in the bed and how he was the reason the older boy was there. His tears fell more freely and he gripped the small hand in his.

“Liam you are beautiful, you’ve always been beautiful.”

Liam shook his head and held a look of doubt plaguing his mouth and features.

“No I’m not. I couldn’t be as skinny as Niall or Harry. Like what you like.”

Zayn was floored. Letting the wretched feeling of agony start to leave his body he was just confused now. “Why did you think you had to be skinny like Niall for me to love you?”

“That night with your friends and you said you liked boys like Niall. And I was all fat and bulky and you couldn’t-“

He was cut off by a pair of warm lips against his. He startled in the bed and didn’t react to the pressure that pushed his head back into the pillows. Zayn was kissing him. Finally.

Bringing a tentative hand to the back of his neck he proceeded to deepen the kiss, sweeping his dry tongue against the bottom lip of the boy atop him. He was allowed entry and their tongues brushed and caressed each other for several moments. Liam whimpered at feeling how wet his mouth was and how his stubble abrasively dragged across his skin. Their hands fastened tighter to each other and Zayn ended it by biting the chapped bottom lip of Liam before resting their foreheads together.

“I love you Liam, no matter what you look like. Always have.” Their breaths were mingling between them in warm tangent.

Liam started to cry then. Letting out sobs of joy and bliss and finally he could have what he had been dreaming of for ages. Zayn sat down with a smile wiping his own eyes of the moisture and began speaking.

“Yeah I like skinny boys love, but I also loved your muscles. You were so manly and rugged and solid and to be honest, I wanted you to hold me so often in those big arms I lost count. Why did you never tell me? The boys all said you loved me but you never showed it.”

“Cause I was scared and I was waiting for you. Always been waiting for you.” Linking their fingers even more.

The room fell silent for a while with the two just basking in what had happened. Liam finally content that he had what had driven him down a dark path and Zayn elated at the fact he had been the light to save him. They kissed lazily for a few more minutes, both confessing how bad they had wanted each other and how both were stupid enough to not say anything.

Lying next to Liam, Zayn looked over to him “So this makes you my boyfriend yeah?”

Liam nodded with a giggle “Yeah babe, I’m all yours.”

The dark skinned boy leaned back in to place a long chaste kiss against those heavenly lips and whispered, “Don’t ever do that again, I love you Liam. Don’t you dare ever do that again.”

Liam bit his lip meeting those eyes that had hardened with unrestrained ferocity and promised him with another kiss “Never again.”

XXXX

A month and half later with a few apologies and much needed meals, Liam was back to his normal self. He wasn’t allowed near the gym for the first week by doctors’ orders, just to eat and be nourished was all that was demanded. He had apologized to Louis for his horrible outburst getting a teary-eyed hug and loads of kisses in response. Niall had actually apologized to him for calling him ‘fat’ those months ago, Liam told him to sod off with it and hugged him.

The relationship was simple and easy and they broke into each other’s hearts a little more with each passing day, with kissing and touches and the first night they made love, it was beyond the fantasies of what Liam had had before.

He was rolling his hips into the slightly older boy, Zayn buried deep within him, their kisses heated and hands were searching every inch of skin. With one final push after Liam had reached his climax, Zayn pressed forward and whispered, “I love you” into his ear and kissed the tender spot below it before filling him up with his seed. It was everything both had ever wanted.

His body had bounced back from the berating he had caused from before and got back up to his normal weight and muscle mass. Each day he got a bit buffer and ate as much as he could possibly handle with Zayn smiling next to him. He’d come in from the gym covered in sweat; it would roll down his once again chiseled abs and across his broad chest making Zayn growl at him before dipping down to bite his nipple and squeezing his bicep, Zayn would always ask him to flex for him before taking him to the shower to clean him up and dirty him down at the same time.

And each night they’d fall asleep together with Zayn wrapped in his toned arms. Before they would drift off to their unconsciousness there was a light “Love you Li.”

And the response of “I love you too Zayn.” Paired with a kiss to his raven hair.


End file.
